Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Journey Back To Myself

Journey Back To Myself




From a very young age I always knew that I wanted to do something big with my life. In all of my wildest imagination I dreamed that I would walk red carpets with movie stars as camera flashed. The camera lights would blind my eyes, yet I’d still smile and wave. In that moment I will feel as if I had finally arrived. I had reached my destination and life could finally make sense. If only dreaming equated to the reality of our lives everyday would feel like a Saturday. As you grow older, you realize that life deals everybody a different hand. Somewhere between when my father died and falling in love with the first man that said “I love you” I knew that I had lost myself. You see losing yourself is not that hard to do when life pushes you like a river down a steady stream of uncertainties. Suddenly you’re articulating with the masses and your feet are a few inches above the ground. Life begins to make sense at least in my eyes it did. When you’re growing up in a time where your friends are sexually promiscuous, your peers and elders are selling/doing drugs, and the only father you ever knew is never coming back from the grave. You learn to grow up. You learn to adjust to life's harsh realities and say a few hail mary’s on your way to school. The sooner you realize you’re poorer than the people on the television screen, you discover just how lucky you are just to be alive. The journey back to myself came at a price. A debt I will never be able to repay when the life of my brother slipped through the cracks. One day you're making jokes and planning birthdays. When suddenly the doctors tells you to prepare your family for the worst. Fast forward to the funeral, the closed casket, and the unmarked grave six feet in the ground, then suddenly you’re right back at the beginning. The beginning of the end with no goodbyes. Suddenly you realize the zigzags in life you thought you were creating were just a circle. You silence the cries and bury the tears. The world doesn't pity you for too long. You push through until the pain inside of you dies. After taking a microscope to review my life I realized I wasn't living to my fullest potential. Another year goes by, wishful thinking evaporates into the universe and I’m back in the rat race. That is until, I took a step forward and stood firm in my decision to live. Live not only for myself but for my brother. All it takes is a leap of faith to make your dreams a reality. As the journey to find myself continues I find myself growing stronger with each season. For all that I have been through has made me a warrior mentally and spiritually. And sometimes that all you need to discover the gem hidden deep inside. 
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